Well it is Monday night and I have 4 days left of work. 4 years are about to come to an end. Right now I do not know how I feel. I feel nothing. I go through the motions of feeling sad, guilty, nervous, worried, excited, happy, proud and proud yet when I sit down and think about it I just feel nothing. After writing my last post I honestly feel relieved. I felt all the pain and sadness that night and after writing it all out I knew it was time to close the chapter. It's the right time. I've put my heart and soul into this job and now it's time to take care of me and my family.
I feel confident and comfortable with leaving but it is going to be a massive shock to my system. I will not see the kids every day and I won't get phone calls every weekend. It will be hard to separate and take charge of my own life...but it is time. This week is going to be a week of lasts and a week of goodbyes. As I take on each day I realize that this is it. This is the last time I will do after school tennis. The last time I do homework. The last time I prepare school lunches. The last time I will iron school uniforms. The last time I do kindly pick up. The last time I pick up dry cleaning. The last time I prepare the bath. The last time I kiss their gorgeous little faces goodnight.
The decision was easy! It was actually a no brainer! It's what I want to be, it's what I want to do and it's who I want to work with! I gave the nanny thing a go and I think I did a bloody good job! It gave me priceless skills that I would never be able to learn or gain in any other job. It taught me how to be a mother. I can now take these skills with me and know that I will be a more skillful, knowledgeable and experienced day care mum. I have now been on both sides of the line. I have worked in childcare for 6 years and been on the 'parenting' side for 4 years. I know how both sides work and I know this will give me that extra edge in my new job.
This plan has been building for a year. A year ago I wrote about packing away my dream for a different time. Well the time is finally here. My time has come to start a new chapter...a new journey. I am so full of emotion that I really do not know what to think. I am anxious, nervous and scared yet I am so excited I nearly cry every time I think about it. OK who am I kidding, a few tears creep up at the very thought. I always wished I could have this job. While working as a nanny I truly realised what was important in my own life. My gratitude for my husband, our home, our family and our friends grew enormously and I was reminded on a daily basis how truly lucky I was. The very thought of being able to work from home and work for myself has bought me so much relief and joy. I am so excited to wake up and not have to fight 2 hours of city traffic. I am so excited to be at home at 5.00pm every day. I am so excited to eat dinner earlier than 8.00pm. I am excited to take my dogs for a walk and watch the sun set. I am excited to make dinner plans with friends that I will never have to cancel because of 'working late'. It's the little things that many people take for granted that I am looking forward to the most. Working from home is a given bonus but it's the before and after work that I am most excited about.
I am not naive! This job is going to be hard...bloody hard. It is going to take a lot of hard work, dedication, careful and precise planning and 100% commitment. I am telling each and every one of you that I am ready! Both friends and family have voiced their concerns. Worried that it will be too hard and I won't be able to cope. Please don't worry about me! I will be fine! I am ready! I promise you that I would not be doing this if I wasn't 100% confident. I'm not a risk taker. I don't take chances. So I would never open or take on this very important role if I wasn't confident in myself. I know I can do this. This is who I am. This is my passion. I am opening up my home and my heart for these children and I know that I am ready.
A new group of children are about to change my life forever and I know that I will be the very best carer for them. I will love, protect, guide, teach and care for each of them and provide a safe and happy place for them to be, outside of their family home. I am so excited for this new adventure. I have worked hard, and will continue to work hard, to ensure this home day care is a complete success.
This is it now. It's all up to me. I'm letting go of the past and embracing my new career with open arms and an open heart.
It was the 23rd of July and I cried. Uncontrollable tears came and I could
not hold them in any more. I cried for late night dinners. I cried for the lack
of sleep. I cried for my puppies who hadn't been walked in days. I cried for my
best friend who I had not seen in weeks. I cried for my other best friend whose
house I drive past every day yet I had not seen or talked to in ages and her
little boy who was growing up before my eyes and I was missing it. I cried for
my sister whose life I have to follow on facebook. I cried for the little
fights I have with my husband because I am tired, stressed and irritable. I
cried for my mum and dad who always call and text and I take several days to
reply. I cried for my life that was spiraling out of control and I was
struggling to hold on. Life isn't bad but for those I love and those who
support me, I was slowly slipping away and I hated it. This wasn't the life I
wanted to live and this wasn't the person I wanted to be.
My job was taking over my life and I couldn't find my balance. I had cried
before, actually I had cried a lot, but there were so many reasons why I couldn’t
leave. That would be the easy way out. Quit and move on. But I couldn't. There
was a reason I was in this job and I knew I couldn't leave until I knew it was
the right time.
It all started on the 22nd of May 2008. 3 little children entered my life. I
fell into a job that I had no intention of ever taking. I truly believe to this
day that there was a reason I applied that day, out of the blue, and I was
meant to join this family. There we were, a 4 month old, a 3 year old, a 5 year
old and a childcare worker who had never had any nanny experience. I fell in
love and these 2 boys and little girl stole my heart. Over the last 4 years we
have grown together. We have been through first days of school and Kindy, lost
teeth, ballet lessons, footy practice, homework battles, spelling tests,
loosing best friends and finding new ones, doctors’ visits, school concerts, cello
exams, dentist trips, laughter, tears, hugs and dreams. I have been vomited on,
pooed on, changed nappies, toilet trained, dried the tears, celebrated the
wins, comforted the fears and encouraged the dreams. These kids became my life.
They needed me and in a way I needed them. They have taught me to love hard,
protect, encourage, support, listen, comfort, fight, believe, understand, to
have compassion, and to have strength...they have taught me how to be a mother.
I couldn't imagine my life without them. They were everything to me and
after a while this became too much. I wasn't their mother, they have a mother,
and I was investing too much of my life into theirs. I knew it wouldn't last
forever and I knew it was just a job. I did, however, fight for these kids day
in day out. I put every single ounce of energy and enthusiasm into these
children and ensured they lived a happy, safe and fulfilling life. I gave them
my ALL. Everything I had, everything I was, I gave to those children. This
became too much and on the 23rd of July, after crying, I made the decision. I
made a decision that I had been putting off for a year. The hardest decision I
have ever had to make in my life. I made the decision to choose me over these
The tears fall as I type. I feel every emotion possible. All of the hurt,
the sadness, the stress, the irritation and the worry but most of all I cry as
I prepare to say goodbye. There was never going to be a right time and it was
never going to be easy. I wanted to quit a year ago but these children were
about to embark on a painful journey and I knew I had to be there to help dry
the tears and somehow put their smiles back on their gorgeous faces. A year ago
I was hurting and I wanted to leave but it wasn't the right time. I felt it in
my bones that I just needed to hang in there and be there for these children. I
put my life on hold, I packed my dreams away and put them on a shelf for a
better time. A time when I felt confident enough to leave without any
Last Monday on the 6th of August 2012 it was time. I gave my 4 weeks notice
and prepared myself for a month of lasts and a month goodbyes.
I don’t know what the future holds.
I don’t know whether they will keep in
touch but I pray that I have done enough.
I pray that I have taught them to
love themselves just as much as I love them.
I pray that I have taught them to always believe
that they can do anything and be anything they want to.
I pray that I have taught them to
have gratitude for the beautiful life they live and never take it for granted.
I pay that I have taught them to look in the mirror each day and know that they are loved and
they are enough.
I pray that I have taught them to have compassion for everyone they meet.
pray I have taught them to never hold back and show this world what gorgeous little souls they
They may forget me and they may forget our 4 years together but I
hope I have done enough.
Every smile, every encouraging word, every wink, every
high five, every praise and every hug.
This is just a short and sweet post to test out my new app and see if it actually posts to my blog! I have had a very eventful week this week and I am trying very hard to find the words to share with you all! I'm still in shock with everything that has happened so once the numbness disappears and I can think clearly I write to you all I promise! Until then I am escaping for the weekend down to Lismore to see my Grandma for her birthday! I make the trip every year and I am very excited to see all my family again!
When I was at my breaking point a few weeks back I sent out a desperate call to a few of my girlfriends and asked if they would like to meet at mine for some 'yoga'. I could feel my body freezing up by the day and I was not sleeping. I used to do yoga once a week...in my home...using and iPhone app. It was brilliant. I practiced sun salutation each time and it was just enough to stretch out my body and clear my mind. Life got busy, school holidays happened and yoga got put at the bottom of the list. I knew if I had a group of girls with me the love and motivation would fall right back into place!
So our first day came around and well all I can do is laugh! I tried to hunt down a nice relaxing yoga dvd and all I could find was 'Yoga TV' Oh dear lordy lord! It sure was a laugh! Not the calm, relaxing and zen night I had in mind but it sure did work my body. We were thrusting and stretching and twisting our bodies into all kinds of hilarious moves. Funny enough it worked! Since that night I have felt a bit more 'loose' in my back and much to my surprise I was not sore at all! Go team! Amie and I smashed that dvd like nobodies business!
My favourite part was that at the end we put on a meditation CD. It was beautiful. We turned off the lights, lit our 'relax' candles, laid down and just listened. We listened to the lady speak about letting ourselves go and surrendering to the universe. She said some beautiful words and phrases that really spoke to me. I found myself smiling and thinking 'yes' this is perfect! I love the way yogi's live their life and it is very similar to my own outlook on life. It is so beautiful and peaceful and in amongst the crazy crazy demands of life I am very lucky to have the ability to bring myself back to reality and just be thankful for this beautiful world we live in. The mediation at the end of our yoga session was just what I needed and I am so thankful to Amie for bringing the CD.
With a new DVD I am hoping that we continue our yoga nights together! It is exactly what I need!
I tend to get caught up in my dramatic world very easily but I always ensure that I keep
love in my heart, peace in my soul and hope for a brighter tomorrow.
This keeps me centered and grounded. Yoga allows me to stop, relax, and remember.
Yes he works right on the beach. Which is exactly where I work every school holidays. One of the most magical beaches along our coast line! On this winter day in August my favourite beach put on a show! The water was glass and the sun was shining! I had nothing but my bikini and my pups and we were ready for a day of fun!
The dogs and I walked up and down the beach and in around the cove. We played and walked for 3 hours. It was so beautiful being out in the sun! I just wore my swimmers and LOVED the feeling of warmth on my skin! Its been too long! You couldn't get a more perfect day! It was quiet on the beach so we only had a few 'run ins' with other dogs which meant instead of being paranoid about my dogs fighting I could just enjoy! I must say this is the fist time I've walked them on the beach on my own and they were so well behaved!
Look at that face on Bindi! She so desperately wanted to swim!
...so we swam
Yes I Sarah K went swimming in the middle of winter at the beach!
The day was so beautiful and the water was just magic!
and I am SO THANKFUL I did because...
...we swam with a SEAL!
Yes a REAL WILD seal. When we first started our walk Rob rang me quickly and said to come back because there was a seal in the water! OMG I nearly died! I've never seen a wild seal before and was desperate to see it! I knew there was no going back though, as I had 2 very excited pups on a walking mission. I cut my losses and moved on. WELL, when we were walking, I looked out onto the horizon and there it was! This gorgeous little black seal jumping out of the water like a dolphin! It was making it's way down the coastline just playing and frolicking in the water! How gorgeous! My day was complete, I could not have been any happier than that moment. That was, until we went swimming! While we were swimming, and yes my Bindi swims for hours, we had a tiny little friend join us! I nearly passed out then and there! I was scared yet excited! Here we were swimming in the Australian beach and a jet black shiny SEAL was swimming with us in the water! I didn't know whether to laugh or cry! I almost ran out of the water to get my camera, then realised I had to LIVE the moment instead of capturing it! This was harder than most of you would realise! He didn't stay long, which was good because my pups hadn't noticed him yet....THAT could of been disastrous! He circled us a few times jumping in and out of the water and then continued on his way! WOW!!! What a rush! What a once in a life time experience! What a special moment!
What a truly amazing day! I'm still buzzing! My hands are shaking as I type this because I am so excited from the memories! This will be a day I will NEVER forget!
We were invited on the boat with our dear friends. I was feeling ill but after the week I had I knew the fresh, cold air would be good for me. Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined a more perfect day!
No amount of words could describe our amazing afternoon but I hope these pictures captured the magic!